It's always about the money around here. As much as I do not want it to be that way, it seems impossible to change. When you don't have it, you worry about where it's going to come from. Constant pressure about which bills to pay, which to put on hold, how to cut costs and reduce expenses, should we borrow from Peter to pay Paul...
When it gets really bad, I begin to doubt my efforts in this battle to live the life we're living. Sometimes it's such a struggle to continue down this path. It is a lifestyle that I fight to maintain. It would be so easy to switch directions, go out and get a full-time job, put the kids in school, find someone to watch the baby for a couple of hours a day and call it good. If I did that, money would never be an issue for us again.
But I know I would never be happy with that type of life. That is not what I want for myself and my family and so I continue the battle, fighting every day to stay afloat and provide my kids with the type of childhood they deserve.
When in the thick of things, a little reinforcement can go a long way towards uplifting and encouraging the discouraged. A breakthrough moment when your child grasps a concept and you rejoice with them, or a tender moment between siblings that would never have occurred if they had been in school. Those are the things that keep me going. Lucky for me, I had two experiences this week that, while small, succeeded in making me even more confident in my ability to continue this fight.
The first was my initiation into the world of homeschooling families in my area. We have no support groups that meet regularly. In this community, you are very much on your own. This week there was an attempt to start a homeschooling 4H club. We attended an informational meeting and I got to meet some of the other families in the area. I was so impressed! There were kids of all ages and they all played so well together. The teenage boys actually looked at me when they spoke! One of them even cracked a joke with me. They were all so comfortable being around other people - it was such a nice experience! After the meeting, the kids all went outside to play tetherball. They broke themselves up into teams without excluding anyone, and managed to take proper turns without anyone fighting. One of the boys, who looked to be about 16, comfortably held an 8 month old baby girl,
not his own sister. It was so refreshing to see those kids and it made me so happy that mine are at home.
To contrast that, today Samantha had basketball practice at the school. It is only an hour, so the boys and I have been just hanging around, wandering the halls and playing with the baby until she's done. This afternoon we were walking around and I stopped to look at a poster of "Today's Stars" by the office. (blech) The boys had Anna by the hands and walked around the corner, out of my sight, although I could still hear them. They didn't get far when I heard an adult female say, "Hey! What are you doing?
pause Are you here for basketball? Then you need to be in the gym!" My little Joshua, the quiet one, says, "Our sister plays basketball so we're just walking around." Then that other voice again, "No, you're not just walking around. You need to be in the gym." Her tone was very rude and I was insulted that she would talk to my kids that way, especially when they really were just walking around! I came around the corner, gave her a "look", picked up the baby and went into the gym. Then my anger and defiance rose to the surface and I marched all of us right back out of the gym and went and sat on the benches by the front door, just daring her to come and say something to them with me there! I was all fixed to say something to her about whose taxes have paid for this building anyway! They continued to play with Anna up and down the hallway, but the woman was gone. Darn! I was sort of hoping for a show-down! ;) The boys kept asking me why they had to go in the gym - they didn't understand the reasoning behind it when they knew they weren't doing anything wrong by just walking down the hall.
While we were sitting on the benches by the door, people were coming in to attend other functions at the school. Anna was in her glory, waving and saying "Hi!" to everyone who walked past. A few of the boys - mostly junior high aged - would not wave back or say hi to her or even acknowledge any of us. They just kept looking down at their feet and walking. Well me and my big mouth couldn't let that opportunity pass, so I would say something like, "C'mon, you can at least say hi!" or something else to get them to respond. Most of the time they would crack a smile but still keep on walking. It was such a sharp contrast to the boys we met yesterday that I again was so very glad that my boys are at home.
These are the moments that keep me going when the going seems all uphill. It's a nice little reminder of why the battle is worth fighting.